Susan
by alphayamergo
Summary: Jill muses about her experiences with Susan.


**I do not own Narnia, or any recognizable characters.**

Jill missed Susan.

Jill had known Susan since she had first come back to Narnia – Eustace had immediately sent a letter to each of his cousins, and had received four letters back, each with a letter to Jill enclosed. Jill could remember feeling amazed at how friendly they were – it wasn't like they were strangers at all. They corresponded throughout the term, arranging for her to spend the holidays with them.

When she first met them face to face during the holidays after, she had immediately adopted Lucy and Susan as unrelated sisters. Susan had been the practical older sister, who was also a mentor to the others. Lucy had been the sister that you always had fun with – mature, but still bubbly and happy.

Susan had taught Jill and Eustace archery for a while, being the best of the small group. Lucy helped, at times, but Susan was clearly the mentor. Susan was Jill's role-model, her teacher. She looked up to her.

At least, she had until that unfortunate meeting.

They had all gotten together at the Professor's place – all telling stories of their time in Narnia. Peter, Edmund, and Lucy had the most. Susan did not tell a single tale, as Jill had expected her to, instead growing more and more uncomfortable.

Then abruptly, Susan had stood upright, her chair sliding backwards and clattering to the floor. "I can't do this anymore!" she had cried, before disappearing out of the room. Peter went after her, but had come back not long after, looking sadder than Jill had ever seen him.

Susan did not come back.

After that, Susan would change the subject whenever Narnia would come up in conversation. When forced to talk about it, she would give a nervous little laugh, saying, "Are you still playing that game?"

The laugh became easier and easier, until it was no longer nervous and Jill had to wonder if she was just getting better at hiding her belief, or if Susan truly believed that Narnia really was just a game.

Jill always dismissed that thought as soon as it came up. This was _Susan_, a Queen of Narnia and one of the four who were looked upon with nearly as much awe as Aslan! But Jill's faith in Susan steadily began to waver, first a passing thought, until it diminished almost all together, when she couldn't help but look at Susan's nylons and lipstick with scorn.

While living in Aslan's Country, it was almost perfect. There was inkling that all was not perfect, and she had no doubt that Peter, Edmund and Lucy could feel it more than she did. The reason was obvious, easy for her to work out.

Susan was not with them.

Ocassionally, the Kings and Queen would look down at Susan, one of their friends accompanying them almost each time.

Jill went with Lucy once, just the two of them. They looked down into the clear pool, watching as it steadily formed a picture.

Susan was with a man. "She loves him," Lucy murmured. And though Susan looked so happy in the picture, they could see a raw pain behind the happiness.

"But she regrets living," Jill replied. "She misses you." By 'you', she meant more than just Lucy, and knew she would realize that; Jill meant Peter, Edmund, their parents, and Lucy.

"Not just us," the golden haired girl replied. "She missed all of us. She misses all the Friends of Narnia. The Professor was like the grandfather we had never met, Aunt Polly the grandmother. Eustace was her cousin, but closer than any of the others, and she adopted you as her sister. She still loved you, loved all of us, even when denying Narnia. I could see it in her eyes, but it's far more obvious now, while she's alone on Earth."

Jill looked back down into the pool, and silence fell. Susan was announcing something, though they could not hear what – the pool did not give them that gift. The man exclaimed in delight, and put her hand to her stomach. Susan laughed and covered his hand with hers. For the first time, Jill noticed a ring on her finger. _She's married! _The realization came as a shock. It had been such a long time since she had come to watch Susan, Jill had missed her wedding and when the man popped the question.

Lucy noticed her dismayed expression. "It's alright," she murmured. "I'm sure you shall see many more of the special moments in Susan's life: her child's birth, for one, and quite possibly the naming; and most probably all her other children's birthing."

Susan was leaving now. She and her husband were going into an apartment, the man with his arm snaked around her back as if supporting her. Jill smiled slightly. "He'll take care of her, I can see that." She was having trouble blinking back tears. She glanced at Lucy, who was having a far harder time keeping the tears at bay.

"I wish I could have been there with her," she murmured. "I wish I could have seen the baby in life." A tear rolled down one eye. "I'm happy here, though, with my brothers, you and the other Friends of Narnia. I love seeing Mr Tumnus again, Corin, Cor and Aravis, Trumpkin, Trufflehunter and Caspian – they're all lovely. And I can see Aslan all the time! It's all lovely, but I wish I could see my sister again; I wish I could hug her again, meet her husband, and see her child."

"Oh, Lucy," Jill sighed. "You'll meet them all sometime." She glanced back down at the pool. "I say, Lucy, look!"

Susan was holding a picture frame. Inside was a photo. To any other person, it would have been quite an ordinary photo of a gathering of friends. It was the Pevensies with Eustace and Jill up north, in the hills. They had taken the photo, Jill remembered, because it had looked like Narnia. Susan's parents had had no idea why the children had insisted so about taking a photo of them in what seemed to them quite an ordinary place. Jill smiled at the memory.

Susan placed her finger on the photo, tracing each figure's outline. The dark haired woman's mouth opened in what could only be a sigh, and a tear was straying down her cheeks. Her mouth opened again, this time to speak.

"_I'm sorry._"

The words broke through the barrier between worlds, between life and death. They were barely audible, but Lucy and Jill heard it as if Susan had been standing next to them, screaming out those two simple words.

Only a second after that they felt warm breath on their necks, and a marvelous scent floated through the air. The two girls spun around, knowing already that it was Aslan behind them. Both kneeled, Lucy's face brighter than it had been in days. _In some ways,_ Jill thought, _she's prettier than her sister._

"You do not need to worry about Susan." Aslan's voice was as deep and grave as it had ever been. "She will prosper in her own world until she can join us. She is happy."

"Was it you, Aslan? Did you let Susan's voice carry into this world?" Jill asked. She hardly dared to breath during the fraction of a second before the Lion nodded.

"Thank you," Lucy whispered. Her eyes were brimming with emotion. Aslan leaned forward and breathed on her, then turned and did the same to Jill. The girl had a curious reaction to it – she felt as if she could run forever, climb the highest mountain, swim the largest ocean, and leap the widest gorge.

With that, Aslan disappeared. Jill and Lucy glanced at each other. "Come on," Lucy said. "Let's tell the others."

Jill missed Susan. Susan was her sister and mentor, and Jill would be among the first to greet her when she joined them in Aslan's Country.

But for now, she was content just to wait.


End file.
